. . . Err . . Sorry . . . For bothering you ? ? ?

I promised myself that I’d call you when I was ready to face you and except the fact. But I didn’t, instead I called you today because I missed you. Though, I didn’t expect you to answer, like so. Deep in my heart, I know you’ve moved on and that I had no rights to come back. But I can’t take it any longer. You left a big empty space in my heart that I can’t seem to fill back in. I just want you back in my life one way or another, even if I have to bare the pain, I don’t mind. Nevertheless, I have this huge ego that I can’t learn to let go. I don’t know how to tell you all this. Even if I did try, I would hesitate half way and end up giving up. I would write page after page of long sms and end up deleting them when I reach the last sentence. I’m sorry, I really wish you knew.

How I feel . . . and ? ? ?

I know you meant well. But I can’t bare it, the pain and heartache. I know you came to ask if I was doing okeyh with good intention and trying to keep the promise you made me years ago. Sorry for acting the way I did when you asked. I did what I had to do to hold myself together. Though, it was a little blurry in the beginning, I suddenly remembered what it is you were talking about. I didn’t think you’d still remember the promise you made years ago. As grateful as I am that you still kept that promise, I would rather have you forget it and let it go. I won’t speak of it if you promise to let me go. It’s not that I hate you; it’s just that, it’s still hard for me to face you. My heart, it still pounds so hard when I hear your name or see your picture or anything that makes me think you or even if it is you yourself, I still get nervous like the first time I saw you or when you walked by past me. Never the less, this heart know that it is not worthy of you. I did what I had to do for now, until I’m ready to except that fact that you’re no longer the one. I unfriend you, I deleted all you text messages that I love to read, I deleted your picture in my phone and I kept all my memories of you in box hidden deep somewhere out of sight, a place I couldn’t possibly think to look for whenever I miss you. Do me this last favour, leave me, don’t come back, don’t look back and move on with your life as if nothing ever happened between us for the past five years and I’ll learn to let you go. Forgive me, but please try to understand what it feels like to be me if you were in my shoes right now. I dearly apologise for everything.

Moon-less night

The sky is so clear tonight. I can see the stars shining so brightly but sadly there’s no moon. Staring up at the sky, looking at the stars reminds me of a song. A song you introduced to me a few weeks after you proposed. Not long after that, it became our song, a song that would remind me of you. Every time I listen to it, I’ll always think of you. Even now, when we have nothing left of each other, it still reminds me of you. Only now, it will so remind me of the heartache and pain you’ve caused me. You left me hanging and confused. Even after you left, you act as if we never had anything in the first place. Knowing I’m your first, I guess, I myself understand why it was easy for you to let me go. It may seem a like a game at first, but know this, it was never a game to me. I loved you sincerely. I really hoped and prayed that you’d be the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. Perhaps, that is why it’s hard for me to let you go, I had such high hopes for you. True, I’ll never tell you that I still care about you and that I miss having you around. But, that’s who I am and how I react to situations like this. I’d act like everything’s okeyh and that I’ve completely moved on and forgotten about you and couldn’t care less. They’re all lies, lies to hide what truly feel. That’s me, I hide the pain from the people who has ever hurt me. Simply because I don’t want to show my weakness to people who treat me like dirt. You could put the blame on me, saying I never call or text you. Though, playing the role as the girlfriend, I would rather have you as the man, call me or text just to ask how my day was or if I was alright. But you never did any of those. In the beginning, yes, maybe, but as our relationship was coming to an end, you’d only text if I texted you or call if I called you first. It’d be nice to have someone care about you every once in a while, especially from the person you love. It’s not like I nag on you every single minute of every single hour of the day, I’m not that kind of girl. I call when I’m free and I won’t bother you if you’re busy. I know, never once have I asked you to do any of these things but I’d expect you to know. If you knew me well enough, I think you’d be able to figure out what I liked and what I dislike by paying attention and taking notes of the things I tell you about myself and observe me from a far. However, it doesn’t seem like you did your homework. Somehow, after writing all these, I finally realise how little you know about women and how to treat them. I know you’ll be reading this somehow. Note this, girls like it when you give them little compliments about themselves. Not too much though, you’ll make them sick. AND if they truly love you and care about you, they will appreciate every little thing you do for them. Even if it’s the simplest thing in the world that you could possibly do, like giving them a call every now and then before you go to bed just to let them know how much you appreciate them and that you love them. Call them, not text. I wish you all the best on your next relationship. I hope you’ll find someone worthy of you. Someone who loves you, care about you and treat you better than I did. Take care old friend, may Allah bless you with happiness and joy in your life.

Not my intention

Please forgive me. I have no intention of finding a replacement. I don’t intend to play in this game of love anymore. I have had just enough pain and suffering to go through and I do not wish to go through it again. I know you’re sincere, but this heart has gone through so much in one year and I feel it’s time to rest and focus on my study. I told you what I need to tell you and I hope you understand. I don’t plan on playing with your heart or feeling. You’re a good friend and I wish for you to say that way till the day I die, because sometimes all I ever need is a friend to be there for me when no one else is and nothing more. Besides, “I love you” is not something I just say to anyone and I know that now. From now, onwards, I will only say it to those, whom I truly love and care about, and to those who actually deserved to be loved. It may be easy for you to say it, but to me it means a lot more than just a simple three word sentence. You can say it as much as you want to me, but I will only reply when I learn to love you sincerely. Furthermore, I don’t think you’re saying it because you mean it. You’re just saying it because you’re desperate. It’s crystal clear and I understand. As desperate as I am, I still have my pride and I have no intention of letting go of my ego. You’re a good person, I know. You’ve helped me so much in the past several months we’ve known each other. But I’m not ready, not now at least. I let my guards down ever so easily this year. So I’m building up the walls that had been broken down, only this time it’ll be three times thicker than the ones before. I’m not letting myself be fooled by this game more than three times and I’m sorry that you’ve only come now. If you had come sooner, maybe I would have a change of hearts. But what’s done is done. You can’t change what fate has in store for us. I can’t deliver you something more than friendship, because that is just about the only thing I have left to offer. I’m saving what’s left of my love for my family and someone who truly deserves it and appreciate every bit of what is left of this torn up, scared and unsealing heart. Forgive me for not replying your text when things get awkward between us. It’s just that I haven’t learned to let him go, just yet. Maybe, when I do, I’ll see you a little more than what I’m used to, now.

Envious

I envy you for being able to move like nothing happened between us. Why does it feel like I’m the only one suffering? Sometimes, I wander, is it killing you like its killing me now? The agony, pain and heartache, do you feel it? Why can’t I let you go? Why was it easy for you to let me go? Was I that worthless and meaningless to you? Does the time we spent together as friends for the last five years not mean anything to you? I miss you, like crazy. But I can’t tell you, it’ll hurt my pride. As a young woman, I don’t think I should be easy on you. I’m not like all the other girls out there. I won’t give you everything, unless I’m sure I can trust. I won’t let you in my secrets until I’m certain you deserve to know.

As long as I live, I can never learn to let go of the things that I hold, for as long as its loyalty lies with me. But for you to let me go so easily, I told myself, I have no right to hold on to you any longer. I should just move on with my life rather than dwell on things that should not be dwelled on. But to think you could let me go and move on ever so easily does not come easily. Rather, it makes me wonder if I was a fool to think that you’re the one. After all these years, secretly, waiting and hoping things would be different between us for the better and it did. But the thought of it ending so soon never once crossed my mind. Now, the story of us has come to an end. I guess I should get back on my own two feet and open up a new book and start a new chapter, only this time without you in it. It will be difficult, I know. But if you can do it, then, why can’t I?