I am starting my old habits again. Missing my prayers and not reading the al-Quran as frequently as I used to. I’m becoming the one person I hate the most, my old self. The me that uses vulgar words, whenever things go wrong. Always feeling lost and incomplete. Wandering around with no sense of direction and not a single goal in mind. The feeling of uncertainty and uneasy is always mingling in my heart. Likely to give up easily. Lazy and incompetent. I know, I have to change. But I don’t know how, I can’t remember how I did it before. “Ya Allah, I need your help. Please give me guidance and strength to change myself and become a better person than I am now. Give me support and hope to continue my journey in this world. Prevent me from taking the wrong path and guide me in to the right path. Send someone that could help give me the support and guidance that I need to further this journey. Ya Allah, please help me. Amin”

Gentleman

I must agree, you really are a true gentlemen. I mean, its not always you come across a young man who is willing to see you personally simply because he accidently lost your painting brush that he borrowed about a week ago. Honestly saying, you’re the first. So, I respect that. Thank you :) Even if you don’t replace the brush you lost, I’d still be okeyh with it since you came to see me face to face because you lost the brush. You were honest with me, I appreciate that. Thank you :)

Daytime Bedtime

"When depressed, women are more likely to suffer hypersomnia where they experience excessive sleepiness, overeat or have other anxiety disorder"

Adapted from Reader's Digest, July 2009

I came through this passage as I was doing my BEL120 exercise in class for my upcoming grammar test not too long ago. I realised that I had experienced excessive sleepiness for the past several days and only now I know why. It was because I was under a lot of stress; adapting myself to a new environment, trust issues with friends, family problems, sleepless nights and being alone most of the time in my room. It's crazy, I would spend half of the day sleeping in my room when I had tones of assignments that had to be done and due the very next week. My friends would call and ask me to join them do our assignments, I'd pick up the phone and say I'll be down in 5min and go back to sleep. They would be waiting for me more than an hour and had to call me for more than 10 times before I actually came down. It's sad, I have never felt so sleepy in my whole life and I feel sorry for my friends for making them wait for me for so long. Thanks to you for making it worst, leaving me alone, even after all the promises you've made. For days, I just felt like doing nothing and stay in bed all day. I wanted to call you, talk to you, tell you that I was in so much pain. But you ignored me, you wouldn't answer my calls or reply my text. However, I figured it can't entirely be your fault. You too, had your own problems to solve and pain and suffering to go through. I guess we have our own problems to solve. Every one has their own challenges in life and it's different for each person. But I guess, I just wanted you be there with me when I felt like I couldn't go on any longer, I wanted you to be there and give me support and advice like you always do. Pushing me and giving me hope to keep going, that's all. I guess, what I'm asking for too much. I'm sorry.

P.s. Girls, I'm sorry for everything, Thank you for standing by my side until now, even after all we've been through. Thank you so much. Love you laa muahmuah <3

Secrecy is burden

No matter how much I care about you, there are still so many things that I can't tell you. Even if this heart is dying to tell you everything. Still ... I can't, I won't, I refuse to. Some of it is because I don't want you to get hurt. But the rest is simply because I still don't trust you. I'm sorry. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. Just when I thought I could, you'd do something to make me take it all back. It's so difficult. I just wish you'd show me that I could trust you with my secret. I trust you, but not completely. I believe that I'd be safe when I'm with you. It's just this secrecy thing. I'm keeping my secrets, you're keeping yours, neither of us is willing to hurt each other. Both scared that one way or another if the secret is told, we will no longer be this close. I've cried once through the phone because of you, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. You must have felt guilty. I'm sorry. I guess that's why you're not telling me everything lately. Everything would be "okeyh", "never mind" or "forget it, I'm fine" everytime I asked you if you were okeyh, that would be you're answer. I'm taken aback by all these. That is why I'm not telling you much. I feel it's unfair that I tell you everything, but you don't tell me anything. Why should I let you carry the burden of my secret alone, when I can't help carry yours? That is why I feel that I should carry the burden of my secrets alone. Secrecy is burden I should carry for my self alone and no one else.

Thank you :) I miss you too..

Thank you :) for everything, I really appreciate it. Even though it may seem like the least important thing you could do for me like ; replying my text messages, letting me hear your voice without me asking, making me feel better by letting me know you're okeyh and making jokes that could help me smile, thank you. It help made my day. Though, I'm sorry for not letting you know how much I miss you. I do, I miss you too, but I can't say it. I'm sorry ..

What I hate the most

I wrote this months ago, way before I thought of posting any more posts in this blog. I had to write, but I don't know where to. It was too long to fit on my wall post on facebook . So wrote it all down in microsoft word and saved it. So here it is ...

I, too, am a human being. I havefeelings, I cry, I scream and yell and shout. But I don't tell you everything,I can't. You drew a line when you told me I should smile no matter how troubledI was, especially around others. The way you treat me also takes me aback whenI'm about to tell you something. I don't blame you. Maybe it's me and maybeit’s because I'm just too trusting. Itold you I don’t trust you. But secretly I do and now I’m in trouble. Simplebecause I know when I trust someone, I’ll always look for them when I’m introuble and they’re the ones I’ll show my tears to. But I can’t let you be thatand go through with it. I know you well enough to know that I don’t fit in yourlife. You’re always busy. Even though you’re still young, you still have workto do and at the same time be a teenager that you are and hangout with yourfriends. And I can’t stop you. I can’t force you to be there when I need you.The reason why I keep telling myself that I don’t trust you is because when Iknow I trust you, I’ll start caring for you. When that happens, I can’t helpmyself but worry if you don’t reply my text or answer my call. I hate that, Ihate that I get this uneasy feeling inside my chest like I haven’t done enoughto make sure you were alright the whole time. I know I’m just your friend but Ican’t help it. It’s who I am and how I treat the people I care about most.Sometimes I question myself “Why should I care for you so much when you’re justmy friend, not my boyfriend or my family?” It’s unfair the way things are rightnow. But then again nothing in life is ever fair. Gosh... I’m so confused rightnow. There are times when you treat my so kindly and you know the right time tocome, you knew when I wasn’t feeling alright, you know how to make me feelbetter, you know how to make me smile again. But then there was a time whenleft me hanging, upset and depressed. It makes me wonder who I was to you. Whatis it that you see me as? But when I asked you, all you give me is “You’re myfriend and I need you” I get it. But why must you treat me like someone youjust know, someone that you only go to when you’re in trouble and as you’reordinary kind of friend? Wasn’t I that important to you that feel like youcould treat me like this?

My Hobby

Randomly started this this. I don't know when or why I started it in the beginning. It has been quite sometimes, but it was only recently that I manage to collect the pictures and kept it all together. It's not much, but it's what make everyday interesting. Here are some :

Still need work on the perspective and everything, I know. I'm not much of a photographer. But I'm learning to be one. Some of them are better live than captured in camera.So this is it, my hobby, takng pictures of the sky.

B-e-a-utiful- Megan Nicole (Original Song)

A little something about how I feel is in the lyrics. But not all, the rest is because I simply enjoy listening to the song. Hope you guys enjoy it too ;)

Holding back

Holding back the urge to call you. I'm still bed-ridden, sick. I don't know how long I could keep this up. My body hasn't felt any better since I got back to my hometown. You, being away, does not make it any better. If I could, I would call you every minute of every hour just to hear your voice so my heart could be at peace knowing that you're okeyh. But I can't, you're with your family, what would they say if they were to see you hanging on the phone with me. I mean who am I to you? Besides, I know what it feels like to have someone breathing on your neck 24/7. It's annoying and stuffy. You need your space, I understand. That is why I'm keeping my distance from you. I'm sorry, forgive me. Though, I do wish you'd text me or call me to see if I was okeyh. A simple "Get well soon!" message would do. Just to show that you care. I don't need flowers or chocolate. All I need is, to know that there is someone out there who cares about me and wishes to see me better soon and is looking out for me even if he/she is half way across the country. I understand that you can't come over to see me. But the least you could do is call me, give me strength to get better by the day. Then again, it's this season, where you'd go around and visit people. You must be really tired. Sheesh.. I guess I would be asking to much from you. I'm sorry, take care ...

Mixed feelings and confused

We were once strangers in each others life. We got to know each other, you made your move. We became friends. We had our moment of silence for quite sometimes. But we couldn't stay away from each other for too long. Somehow we manage to get hold of one another. We got closer and you were always helping me get back on my feet every time I felt so down and things weren't going the way I planned. My friends kept telling me to be careful. My parents are always worried about who I be friends with. A part of me trust you, but, the rest me just keeps refusing.  Scared of getting hurt by the people I trust most like always. So now, I don't know where we are or what our current status is. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the fact that I can't be without you even for a second. Feeling like I need you when ever I'm upset and down. Even at times that i'm happy I feel like sharing the joy and happiness with you. I hate that I care about you so much. I hate the habit of checking my phones every single minute. I hate that I'm always hoping it's you whenever my phone rings. I hate this heart for not letting you go when you gave me all the reasons for me to hate you and let you go. I hate myself for being so forgiving. But then again, there are so many things about you that I like. The fact that you're always giving me advice. Always knowing what to say make me feel better. Always looking out for me. Understand me when no one else could. And hear me cry without asking me to stop halfway even if its just through the phone. For always being always being patient with me. Thank You :) And now I'm confused and I have mixed feeling about you. Not something I like in any *relationship.





P.s. RELATIONSHIP does not always mean and boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. What I meant to say is any relationship, it could simply mean; friendship, family or even colleagues. Please don't get the wrong idea. TQ :)

You're the reason why ...

You're the reason why I check my phone every minute of ever second, even though I know there will be no new messages. Sometimes, I just wished you'd know when I need you without me telling you that I need you. When I'm in bed, sick, you're the first person I'd hope for to come and take care of me without me asking. I would tell my mother, but then I know she'd be busy juggling work and  taking care of my brothers and the house. I would ask my dad but then he too would be busy helping my mum. When I cry, you're the first person I think of. The one person who I believe could help wipe away my tears. You're the one I'd like to share my secrets with. You always know how to make me smile when I'm sad. You know how to make me feel better. Though sometimes, you leave me hanging and confused. I just wished you would tell me why? Answer all my questions. Help me open up to you. Because right now, I'm having such a hard time trusting you. I'm sorry. I'm still struggling. I still keep secrets from you. But believe me, you don't know how much this heart is dying to tell you everything. It's just that I'm scared. I'm scared that if I tell you, you will leave just like the others. There are times when you distance yourself from me. No text, no mail and not even a miscall . It makes me wonder, do you not care about me one single bit? Or did I do something to push you away from me? I don't mind if it is a day or two. But beyond that, is something else. I'll be worried. I care about you too much. I worry that something bad might happen to you. Especially knowing that you're always far from home. But I can't show it. I refuse to show it. Because I believe if I show you that I care, that's when you feel that I care about you too much to leave you, but it's okeyh if you leave me. That is why I'm having a hard time telling you the truth. Sometimes, when you ask if I'm okeyh, I'd lie and say that I'm just fine when I'm not. Sometimes, when I'm hurt and in so much pain I'd put a :) just to lie to you that I'm okeyh. Sometimes I get scared and try to distance myself from you the moment I feel that you can read me, you know how I feel or what I was going through at the time. A part of me is glad that you've known me well enough to be able to read me, but the rest just keeps denying it as I'm scared the same thing would repeat itself year after year, non stop. You're always giving me hope to start fresh and open up a new book everyday. You're the reason why I no longer hide myself behind the crowd. You're the reason why I'm able to walk with a group of people with my head held up high. You're the reason why I'm no longer afraid to try out new thing and experience something different. You're the reason why I care about the people around me so much lately. Sometimes I care about them so much that I couldn't careless about what happens to me as long as they're alright. You're the reason why I often use the word "syg" in every sentence. You're the reason    why I've changed a lot over the past several months. Finally, you;re the reason why I carry both of my phones around with me 24/7 instead of having it locked up in a drawer on silent mode. So thenk you, I owe you.