What I hate the most

I wrote this months ago, way before I thought of posting any more posts in this blog. I had to write, but I don't know where to. It was too long to fit on my wall post on facebook . So wrote it all down in microsoft word and saved it. So here it is ...

I, too, am a human being. I havefeelings, I cry, I scream and yell and shout. But I don't tell you everything,I can't. You drew a line when you told me I should smile no matter how troubledI was, especially around others. The way you treat me also takes me aback whenI'm about to tell you something. I don't blame you. Maybe it's me and maybeit’s because I'm just too trusting. Itold you I don’t trust you. But secretly I do and now I’m in trouble. Simplebecause I know when I trust someone, I’ll always look for them when I’m introuble and they’re the ones I’ll show my tears to. But I can’t let you be thatand go through with it. I know you well enough to know that I don’t fit in yourlife. You’re always busy. Even though you’re still young, you still have workto do and at the same time be a teenager that you are and hangout with yourfriends. And I can’t stop you. I can’t force you to be there when I need you.The reason why I keep telling myself that I don’t trust you is because when Iknow I trust you, I’ll start caring for you. When that happens, I can’t helpmyself but worry if you don’t reply my text or answer my call. I hate that, Ihate that I get this uneasy feeling inside my chest like I haven’t done enoughto make sure you were alright the whole time. I know I’m just your friend but Ican’t help it. It’s who I am and how I treat the people I care about most.Sometimes I question myself “Why should I care for you so much when you’re justmy friend, not my boyfriend or my family?” It’s unfair the way things are rightnow. But then again nothing in life is ever fair. Gosh... I’m so confused rightnow. There are times when you treat my so kindly and you know the right time tocome, you knew when I wasn’t feeling alright, you know how to make me feelbetter, you know how to make me smile again. But then there was a time whenleft me hanging, upset and depressed. It makes me wonder who I was to you. Whatis it that you see me as? But when I asked you, all you give me is “You’re myfriend and I need you” I get it. But why must you treat me like someone youjust know, someone that you only go to when you’re in trouble and as you’reordinary kind of friend? Wasn’t I that important to you that feel like youcould treat me like this?