. . . Err . . Sorry . . . For bothering you ? ? ?

I promised myself that I’d call you when I was ready to face you and except the fact. But I didn’t, instead I called you today because I missed you. Though, I didn’t expect you to answer, like so. Deep in my heart, I know you’ve moved on and that I had no rights to come back. But I can’t take it any longer. You left a big empty space in my heart that I can’t seem to fill back in. I just want you back in my life one way or another, even if I have to bare the pain, I don’t mind. Nevertheless, I have this huge ego that I can’t learn to let go. I don’t know how to tell you all this. Even if I did try, I would hesitate half way and end up giving up. I would write page after page of long sms and end up deleting them when I reach the last sentence. I’m sorry, I really wish you knew.

How I feel . . . and ? ? ?

I know you meant well. But I can’t bare it, the pain and heartache. I know you came to ask if I was doing okeyh with good intention and trying to keep the promise you made me years ago. Sorry for acting the way I did when you asked. I did what I had to do to hold myself together. Though, it was a little blurry in the beginning, I suddenly remembered what it is you were talking about. I didn’t think you’d still remember the promise you made years ago. As grateful as I am that you still kept that promise, I would rather have you forget it and let it go. I won’t speak of it if you promise to let me go. It’s not that I hate you; it’s just that, it’s still hard for me to face you. My heart, it still pounds so hard when I hear your name or see your picture or anything that makes me think you or even if it is you yourself, I still get nervous like the first time I saw you or when you walked by past me. Never the less, this heart know that it is not worthy of you. I did what I had to do for now, until I’m ready to except that fact that you’re no longer the one. I unfriend you, I deleted all you text messages that I love to read, I deleted your picture in my phone and I kept all my memories of you in box hidden deep somewhere out of sight, a place I couldn’t possibly think to look for whenever I miss you. Do me this last favour, leave me, don’t come back, don’t look back and move on with your life as if nothing ever happened between us for the past five years and I’ll learn to let you go. Forgive me, but please try to understand what it feels like to be me if you were in my shoes right now. I dearly apologise for everything.

Moon-less night

The sky is so clear tonight. I can see the stars shining so brightly but sadly there’s no moon. Staring up at the sky, looking at the stars reminds me of a song. A song you introduced to me a few weeks after you proposed. Not long after that, it became our song, a song that would remind me of you. Every time I listen to it, I’ll always think of you. Even now, when we have nothing left of each other, it still reminds me of you. Only now, it will so remind me of the heartache and pain you’ve caused me. You left me hanging and confused. Even after you left, you act as if we never had anything in the first place. Knowing I’m your first, I guess, I myself understand why it was easy for you to let me go. It may seem a like a game at first, but know this, it was never a game to me. I loved you sincerely. I really hoped and prayed that you’d be the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. Perhaps, that is why it’s hard for me to let you go, I had such high hopes for you. True, I’ll never tell you that I still care about you and that I miss having you around. But, that’s who I am and how I react to situations like this. I’d act like everything’s okeyh and that I’ve completely moved on and forgotten about you and couldn’t care less. They’re all lies, lies to hide what truly feel. That’s me, I hide the pain from the people who has ever hurt me. Simply because I don’t want to show my weakness to people who treat me like dirt. You could put the blame on me, saying I never call or text you. Though, playing the role as the girlfriend, I would rather have you as the man, call me or text just to ask how my day was or if I was alright. But you never did any of those. In the beginning, yes, maybe, but as our relationship was coming to an end, you’d only text if I texted you or call if I called you first. It’d be nice to have someone care about you every once in a while, especially from the person you love. It’s not like I nag on you every single minute of every single hour of the day, I’m not that kind of girl. I call when I’m free and I won’t bother you if you’re busy. I know, never once have I asked you to do any of these things but I’d expect you to know. If you knew me well enough, I think you’d be able to figure out what I liked and what I dislike by paying attention and taking notes of the things I tell you about myself and observe me from a far. However, it doesn’t seem like you did your homework. Somehow, after writing all these, I finally realise how little you know about women and how to treat them. I know you’ll be reading this somehow. Note this, girls like it when you give them little compliments about themselves. Not too much though, you’ll make them sick. AND if they truly love you and care about you, they will appreciate every little thing you do for them. Even if it’s the simplest thing in the world that you could possibly do, like giving them a call every now and then before you go to bed just to let them know how much you appreciate them and that you love them. Call them, not text. I wish you all the best on your next relationship. I hope you’ll find someone worthy of you. Someone who loves you, care about you and treat you better than I did. Take care old friend, may Allah bless you with happiness and joy in your life.

Not my intention

Please forgive me. I have no intention of finding a replacement. I don’t intend to play in this game of love anymore. I have had just enough pain and suffering to go through and I do not wish to go through it again. I know you’re sincere, but this heart has gone through so much in one year and I feel it’s time to rest and focus on my study. I told you what I need to tell you and I hope you understand. I don’t plan on playing with your heart or feeling. You’re a good friend and I wish for you to say that way till the day I die, because sometimes all I ever need is a friend to be there for me when no one else is and nothing more. Besides, “I love you” is not something I just say to anyone and I know that now. From now, onwards, I will only say it to those, whom I truly love and care about, and to those who actually deserved to be loved. It may be easy for you to say it, but to me it means a lot more than just a simple three word sentence. You can say it as much as you want to me, but I will only reply when I learn to love you sincerely. Furthermore, I don’t think you’re saying it because you mean it. You’re just saying it because you’re desperate. It’s crystal clear and I understand. As desperate as I am, I still have my pride and I have no intention of letting go of my ego. You’re a good person, I know. You’ve helped me so much in the past several months we’ve known each other. But I’m not ready, not now at least. I let my guards down ever so easily this year. So I’m building up the walls that had been broken down, only this time it’ll be three times thicker than the ones before. I’m not letting myself be fooled by this game more than three times and I’m sorry that you’ve only come now. If you had come sooner, maybe I would have a change of hearts. But what’s done is done. You can’t change what fate has in store for us. I can’t deliver you something more than friendship, because that is just about the only thing I have left to offer. I’m saving what’s left of my love for my family and someone who truly deserves it and appreciate every bit of what is left of this torn up, scared and unsealing heart. Forgive me for not replying your text when things get awkward between us. It’s just that I haven’t learned to let him go, just yet. Maybe, when I do, I’ll see you a little more than what I’m used to, now.

Envious

I envy you for being able to move like nothing happened between us. Why does it feel like I’m the only one suffering? Sometimes, I wander, is it killing you like its killing me now? The agony, pain and heartache, do you feel it? Why can’t I let you go? Why was it easy for you to let me go? Was I that worthless and meaningless to you? Does the time we spent together as friends for the last five years not mean anything to you? I miss you, like crazy. But I can’t tell you, it’ll hurt my pride. As a young woman, I don’t think I should be easy on you. I’m not like all the other girls out there. I won’t give you everything, unless I’m sure I can trust. I won’t let you in my secrets until I’m certain you deserve to know.

As long as I live, I can never learn to let go of the things that I hold, for as long as its loyalty lies with me. But for you to let me go so easily, I told myself, I have no right to hold on to you any longer. I should just move on with my life rather than dwell on things that should not be dwelled on. But to think you could let me go and move on ever so easily does not come easily. Rather, it makes me wonder if I was a fool to think that you’re the one. After all these years, secretly, waiting and hoping things would be different between us for the better and it did. But the thought of it ending so soon never once crossed my mind. Now, the story of us has come to an end. I guess I should get back on my own two feet and open up a new book and start a new chapter, only this time without you in it. It will be difficult, I know. But if you can do it, then, why can’t I?

The Saturdays - Higher ft. Flo Rida

Breathe

I want to....

There is just so many things I want to do before next semester starts. Like, finish studying the notes and start playing the piano. I want to learn how drive with confidence. I want to finish my sketchbook. If I could, I'd like to paint a picture of every moment that I've enjoyed during this semester break. Just forget and leave all the sad moments and cherish the happy ones and move on. I want to start learning how to play the guitar. I want to take lots and lots of pictures with everyone, so that I can look back at it when miss them. I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I wish to bake cookies and cakes. I want to play the drums. I want see everyone I know, again. I miss them. It doesn't matter how bad things were when I last saw them. I just want to see them again because I've learnt to forgive and forget. I just want to see their smiling face again. I want to learn how to cook like a chef. I want travel the world. I want to discover new things. I want to capture the smile on everyone's face when I see them. I want to paint my room white. I want to fly. Something crazy, but I'd like to try out bungee jumping, sky diving, and racing. I want to perform with The MADS in front of a huge crowd of people including my friends. I want to form a band with my brothers. I want move to a new house. I want to start fresh and live a better life. Hahaha... Come to think of it, how could I ever achieve so many in 6 weeks? So mum said

"Akak, who ever said you had to do every thing in one semester break? Save some for the next semester break. For now, just focus on getting up early and doing some of the things that needs to be done first. Things that are staring at you right in your face. Things your capable of doing, for now...."

There was more, but it just felt a little too personal for me to write it here. Hehehe.. Anyways, what mum said was enough for me to keep my chin up during this semester break and coming. Something to look forward to. I don't have much time left. Second semester is just around the corner. So I guess I better start somewhere. So I'm currently in the process of finishing my sketchbook, meeting my friends, finding a new house and preparing myself before practicing with The MADS for our upcoming performance on the 19th. Though, I'm still learning how to cook with dad at home, not much of an improvement there. But we're turning the kitchen into a laboratory for cooking experimentation. Hahaha.. Dad have always enjoyed putting just about anything and everything into his cooking, so playing along, I'm sorta helping him with his experiments. He always said that if I ever wanted to be a good cook, don't be afraid to try just about anything. From there you can learn from your mistake and make your cooking better. Funny, how an former car engineer could teach his daughter how to cook. Hehehe..

P.s. "아빠, I think you're spending too much time in the kitchen ." Hehe ;D

Natasha Bedingfield - Neon Lights

Love listening to this song. Attracted to the meaning of this whole song. The lyrics are just so meaningful. But sadly I can't relate myself to this song, maybe because I'm not in this current situation. However. listening to this song puts a smile on my face and just brightens up my day a little. Even that little moment, lasting 3mins 50sec, is already enough for me to keep me going. So yeah, this song is meaningful. The first time I heard it makes me want to listen to it over and over again, set the song on repeat, so it would replay the same song for hours. True, sooner or later, I'm going to get tired of listening to the song. Though, I know for sure, the next time I listen to it, it will still put a smile on my face just like "Just a dream" cover by Christina Grimme and Sam Tsui. FYI, it was thanks to a friend of mine Aisya A for introducing me to this song. Love ya, Miss ya <3 Hehehehe .....

Fascinated by these works of art ^^

Picture By : Aisya Asbullah
Artist : Unknown
Date : 18 October 2011
Source : Aisya A's Facebook






Picture By : Meor Ahmad Syahir
Photographer : Meor Ahmad Syahir
Photo Editor : Meor Ahmad Syahir
Date : 20 July 2011
Source : Meor's Facebook







Picture By : Naelah Nordin
Photographer : Naelah Nordin
Date : 23 May 2011
Source : Naelah's Tumblr



Picture By : Me
Photographer : Nur Rina Ab Razak
Date : 17 August 2011
Source : My Folder









Picture By : Norhasyima Pungot
Artist : Norhasyima Pungot
Date : 03 July 2011
Source : Black Dahlia's Facebook

Statice Flower

Statice: This wonderful flower creates the feeling of remembrance; statice is generally used in dried flower arrangements. It is also considered an herb and called "sea lavender." To show someone you ______ them, never forget to include statice in your flower bouquet.

*Mind filling in the blanks for me ??? Pls n TQ :)

I want to ... but I can't .... I'm sorry ....

I want to say it, but I can't. I want to write it, but I don't know how to start. I want to tell you, but I can't. I want to see you, but I'm not ready. So I dwell on it for days, keeping it all inside. I want to tell someone about it, but I can't. I would cry all night thinking about it. I would sleep all day hoping it was all just a nightmare, but it's not. I was wrong to do that you, I'm sorry. No, even sorry is not enough. But I don't know what to do anymore. Everything seems so useless. I feel so hopeless. The holidays are just sleepless nights and constant depression during daylight. Haih...






*Desperately need help*

Girl's Language

If She Don't Text You :
- It's Because She's Waiting For You To Text Her

When She Walks Away From You Mad :
- Follow Her

When Shes Quiet :
- Ask Her What's Wrong

When She Ignores You :
- Give Her Your Attention

When She Pushes YOU AWAY :
- Pull Her BACK

When You See Her Crying :
- Wipe Her Tears & Ask What's Wrong

When She Says Go Away :
- Just Go Close To Her & Give Her Hug

Arghh... It’s 3am in the morning and I’m screaming at the top of my lungs in my room. I don’t know what my neighbours would say after hearing me scream, yell and shout in this room with my classmate. I’m just so freaking tired of this design thing. I seriously don’t know what you want and what it is that you dislike in my drawing or should I say design. You’re an artist too, what’s wrong with drawing what you want to see in my drawings rather than saying it through text. Because.. Honestly, I can’t see it. I don’t see what you want and you don’t want. I’m tired too.. but I can’t sleep, not at least until I get something accomplished tonight. I’m sleepy, I haven’t had a decent sleep for a week. I now it’s my fault. Please, help me make this right. I’m trying to satisfy you with all I’ve got. But I can’t if you don’t tell me how. I’m starting to feel that you some grudge against me. Ever since that incident between you and my mum, you seem like you’re holding something against me. The feeling of hatred and disgust runs through your vein every time you see me. I can see it in your eyes. You wouldn’t even look at me when you speak to me, at least not like you used to when we first met as student and teacher. I hate this feeling; I know it’s my fault. But I didn’t mean for it to go this far. I f I could turn back time, I would. I would change everything. I would stop my mum from doing what she did and I would stop myself from telling her what I told her before. If only I had a time machine. Truthfully, you’re my teacher, you’re teaching me all I need to know to further my study in this course and I respect you. But I can’t keep going if you continue to treat me like your enemy. I know I’m at fault and I sincerely apologise for what happened. I truly wish, you’d look at me when you speak to and treat me like any other student. I don’t know what more to do. I’m lost in this matter and I don’t know who to turn to. I used to be able to count on you before, even if we just got to know each other. But now, it’s all wrong and I don’t know who else to go to. Please stop this. I can see it clearly that you hate me. When we talk, I can see that you’re trying to run away from, avoiding me. If so, how will I ever get through this subject that you’re teaching me? I can’t even talk to you without you trying to run away from me and not even want to talk to me. I can see it. I can see most of the time. Please, just this once. Forgive me for something that I’ve done unintentionally. I seriously did not men for things to turn out this way. I just a normal human being who makes mistake and I apologise. Sincerely, I’m sorry, forgive me sir.

I am starting my old habits again. Missing my prayers and not reading the al-Quran as frequently as I used to. I’m becoming the one person I hate the most, my old self. The me that uses vulgar words, whenever things go wrong. Always feeling lost and incomplete. Wandering around with no sense of direction and not a single goal in mind. The feeling of uncertainty and uneasy is always mingling in my heart. Likely to give up easily. Lazy and incompetent. I know, I have to change. But I don’t know how, I can’t remember how I did it before. “Ya Allah, I need your help. Please give me guidance and strength to change myself and become a better person than I am now. Give me support and hope to continue my journey in this world. Prevent me from taking the wrong path and guide me in to the right path. Send someone that could help give me the support and guidance that I need to further this journey. Ya Allah, please help me. Amin”

Gentleman

I must agree, you really are a true gentlemen. I mean, its not always you come across a young man who is willing to see you personally simply because he accidently lost your painting brush that he borrowed about a week ago. Honestly saying, you’re the first. So, I respect that. Thank you :) Even if you don’t replace the brush you lost, I’d still be okeyh with it since you came to see me face to face because you lost the brush. You were honest with me, I appreciate that. Thank you :)

Daytime Bedtime

"When depressed, women are more likely to suffer hypersomnia where they experience excessive sleepiness, overeat or have other anxiety disorder"

Adapted from Reader's Digest, July 2009

I came through this passage as I was doing my BEL120 exercise in class for my upcoming grammar test not too long ago. I realised that I had experienced excessive sleepiness for the past several days and only now I know why. It was because I was under a lot of stress; adapting myself to a new environment, trust issues with friends, family problems, sleepless nights and being alone most of the time in my room. It's crazy, I would spend half of the day sleeping in my room when I had tones of assignments that had to be done and due the very next week. My friends would call and ask me to join them do our assignments, I'd pick up the phone and say I'll be down in 5min and go back to sleep. They would be waiting for me more than an hour and had to call me for more than 10 times before I actually came down. It's sad, I have never felt so sleepy in my whole life and I feel sorry for my friends for making them wait for me for so long. Thanks to you for making it worst, leaving me alone, even after all the promises you've made. For days, I just felt like doing nothing and stay in bed all day. I wanted to call you, talk to you, tell you that I was in so much pain. But you ignored me, you wouldn't answer my calls or reply my text. However, I figured it can't entirely be your fault. You too, had your own problems to solve and pain and suffering to go through. I guess we have our own problems to solve. Every one has their own challenges in life and it's different for each person. But I guess, I just wanted you be there with me when I felt like I couldn't go on any longer, I wanted you to be there and give me support and advice like you always do. Pushing me and giving me hope to keep going, that's all. I guess, what I'm asking for too much. I'm sorry.

P.s. Girls, I'm sorry for everything, Thank you for standing by my side until now, even after all we've been through. Thank you so much. Love you laa muahmuah <3

Secrecy is burden

No matter how much I care about you, there are still so many things that I can't tell you. Even if this heart is dying to tell you everything. Still ... I can't, I won't, I refuse to. Some of it is because I don't want you to get hurt. But the rest is simply because I still don't trust you. I'm sorry. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. Just when I thought I could, you'd do something to make me take it all back. It's so difficult. I just wish you'd show me that I could trust you with my secret. I trust you, but not completely. I believe that I'd be safe when I'm with you. It's just this secrecy thing. I'm keeping my secrets, you're keeping yours, neither of us is willing to hurt each other. Both scared that one way or another if the secret is told, we will no longer be this close. I've cried once through the phone because of you, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. You must have felt guilty. I'm sorry. I guess that's why you're not telling me everything lately. Everything would be "okeyh", "never mind" or "forget it, I'm fine" everytime I asked you if you were okeyh, that would be you're answer. I'm taken aback by all these. That is why I'm not telling you much. I feel it's unfair that I tell you everything, but you don't tell me anything. Why should I let you carry the burden of my secret alone, when I can't help carry yours? That is why I feel that I should carry the burden of my secrets alone. Secrecy is burden I should carry for my self alone and no one else.

Thank you :) I miss you too..

Thank you :) for everything, I really appreciate it. Even though it may seem like the least important thing you could do for me like ; replying my text messages, letting me hear your voice without me asking, making me feel better by letting me know you're okeyh and making jokes that could help me smile, thank you. It help made my day. Though, I'm sorry for not letting you know how much I miss you. I do, I miss you too, but I can't say it. I'm sorry ..

What I hate the most

I wrote this months ago, way before I thought of posting any more posts in this blog. I had to write, but I don't know where to. It was too long to fit on my wall post on facebook . So wrote it all down in microsoft word and saved it. So here it is ...

I, too, am a human being. I havefeelings, I cry, I scream and yell and shout. But I don't tell you everything,I can't. You drew a line when you told me I should smile no matter how troubledI was, especially around others. The way you treat me also takes me aback whenI'm about to tell you something. I don't blame you. Maybe it's me and maybeit’s because I'm just too trusting. Itold you I don’t trust you. But secretly I do and now I’m in trouble. Simplebecause I know when I trust someone, I’ll always look for them when I’m introuble and they’re the ones I’ll show my tears to. But I can’t let you be thatand go through with it. I know you well enough to know that I don’t fit in yourlife. You’re always busy. Even though you’re still young, you still have workto do and at the same time be a teenager that you are and hangout with yourfriends. And I can’t stop you. I can’t force you to be there when I need you.The reason why I keep telling myself that I don’t trust you is because when Iknow I trust you, I’ll start caring for you. When that happens, I can’t helpmyself but worry if you don’t reply my text or answer my call. I hate that, Ihate that I get this uneasy feeling inside my chest like I haven’t done enoughto make sure you were alright the whole time. I know I’m just your friend but Ican’t help it. It’s who I am and how I treat the people I care about most.Sometimes I question myself “Why should I care for you so much when you’re justmy friend, not my boyfriend or my family?” It’s unfair the way things are rightnow. But then again nothing in life is ever fair. Gosh... I’m so confused rightnow. There are times when you treat my so kindly and you know the right time tocome, you knew when I wasn’t feeling alright, you know how to make me feelbetter, you know how to make me smile again. But then there was a time whenleft me hanging, upset and depressed. It makes me wonder who I was to you. Whatis it that you see me as? But when I asked you, all you give me is “You’re myfriend and I need you” I get it. But why must you treat me like someone youjust know, someone that you only go to when you’re in trouble and as you’reordinary kind of friend? Wasn’t I that important to you that feel like youcould treat me like this?

My Hobby

Randomly started this this. I don't know when or why I started it in the beginning. It has been quite sometimes, but it was only recently that I manage to collect the pictures and kept it all together. It's not much, but it's what make everyday interesting. Here are some :

Still need work on the perspective and everything, I know. I'm not much of a photographer. But I'm learning to be one. Some of them are better live than captured in camera.So this is it, my hobby, takng pictures of the sky.

B-e-a-utiful- Megan Nicole (Original Song)

A little something about how I feel is in the lyrics. But not all, the rest is because I simply enjoy listening to the song. Hope you guys enjoy it too ;)

Holding back

Holding back the urge to call you. I'm still bed-ridden, sick. I don't know how long I could keep this up. My body hasn't felt any better since I got back to my hometown. You, being away, does not make it any better. If I could, I would call you every minute of every hour just to hear your voice so my heart could be at peace knowing that you're okeyh. But I can't, you're with your family, what would they say if they were to see you hanging on the phone with me. I mean who am I to you? Besides, I know what it feels like to have someone breathing on your neck 24/7. It's annoying and stuffy. You need your space, I understand. That is why I'm keeping my distance from you. I'm sorry, forgive me. Though, I do wish you'd text me or call me to see if I was okeyh. A simple "Get well soon!" message would do. Just to show that you care. I don't need flowers or chocolate. All I need is, to know that there is someone out there who cares about me and wishes to see me better soon and is looking out for me even if he/she is half way across the country. I understand that you can't come over to see me. But the least you could do is call me, give me strength to get better by the day. Then again, it's this season, where you'd go around and visit people. You must be really tired. Sheesh.. I guess I would be asking to much from you. I'm sorry, take care ...

Mixed feelings and confused

We were once strangers in each others life. We got to know each other, you made your move. We became friends. We had our moment of silence for quite sometimes. But we couldn't stay away from each other for too long. Somehow we manage to get hold of one another. We got closer and you were always helping me get back on my feet every time I felt so down and things weren't going the way I planned. My friends kept telling me to be careful. My parents are always worried about who I be friends with. A part of me trust you, but, the rest me just keeps refusing.  Scared of getting hurt by the people I trust most like always. So now, I don't know where we are or what our current status is. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the fact that I can't be without you even for a second. Feeling like I need you when ever I'm upset and down. Even at times that i'm happy I feel like sharing the joy and happiness with you. I hate that I care about you so much. I hate the habit of checking my phones every single minute. I hate that I'm always hoping it's you whenever my phone rings. I hate this heart for not letting you go when you gave me all the reasons for me to hate you and let you go. I hate myself for being so forgiving. But then again, there are so many things about you that I like. The fact that you're always giving me advice. Always knowing what to say make me feel better. Always looking out for me. Understand me when no one else could. And hear me cry without asking me to stop halfway even if its just through the phone. For always being always being patient with me. Thank You :) And now I'm confused and I have mixed feeling about you. Not something I like in any *relationship.





P.s. RELATIONSHIP does not always mean and boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. What I meant to say is any relationship, it could simply mean; friendship, family or even colleagues. Please don't get the wrong idea. TQ :)

You're the reason why ...

You're the reason why I check my phone every minute of ever second, even though I know there will be no new messages. Sometimes, I just wished you'd know when I need you without me telling you that I need you. When I'm in bed, sick, you're the first person I'd hope for to come and take care of me without me asking. I would tell my mother, but then I know she'd be busy juggling work and  taking care of my brothers and the house. I would ask my dad but then he too would be busy helping my mum. When I cry, you're the first person I think of. The one person who I believe could help wipe away my tears. You're the one I'd like to share my secrets with. You always know how to make me smile when I'm sad. You know how to make me feel better. Though sometimes, you leave me hanging and confused. I just wished you would tell me why? Answer all my questions. Help me open up to you. Because right now, I'm having such a hard time trusting you. I'm sorry. I'm still struggling. I still keep secrets from you. But believe me, you don't know how much this heart is dying to tell you everything. It's just that I'm scared. I'm scared that if I tell you, you will leave just like the others. There are times when you distance yourself from me. No text, no mail and not even a miscall . It makes me wonder, do you not care about me one single bit? Or did I do something to push you away from me? I don't mind if it is a day or two. But beyond that, is something else. I'll be worried. I care about you too much. I worry that something bad might happen to you. Especially knowing that you're always far from home. But I can't show it. I refuse to show it. Because I believe if I show you that I care, that's when you feel that I care about you too much to leave you, but it's okeyh if you leave me. That is why I'm having a hard time telling you the truth. Sometimes, when you ask if I'm okeyh, I'd lie and say that I'm just fine when I'm not. Sometimes, when I'm hurt and in so much pain I'd put a :) just to lie to you that I'm okeyh. Sometimes I get scared and try to distance myself from you the moment I feel that you can read me, you know how I feel or what I was going through at the time. A part of me is glad that you've known me well enough to be able to read me, but the rest just keeps denying it as I'm scared the same thing would repeat itself year after year, non stop. You're always giving me hope to start fresh and open up a new book everyday. You're the reason why I no longer hide myself behind the crowd. You're the reason why I'm able to walk with a group of people with my head held up high. You're the reason why I'm no longer afraid to try out new thing and experience something different. You're the reason why I care about the people around me so much lately. Sometimes I care about them so much that I couldn't careless about what happens to me as long as they're alright. You're the reason why I often use the word "syg" in every sentence. You're the reason    why I've changed a lot over the past several months. Finally, you;re the reason why I carry both of my phones around with me 24/7 instead of having it locked up in a drawer on silent mode. So thenk you, I owe you.

TEST TEST TEST

Haih ! esok test CTU101, satu hapak pun tak baca lagi. Balik bilik pukul 3 pagi. Online, write a post and not study. Sheesh ! When will you ever see how important this is girl ! Why not take this last few hours before you go to bed for at least an hour to study what you haven't read for your test tomorrow? It's not like blogspot is ever going to go anywhere. But honestly, I don't feel like studying tonight. All this practicing is making me tired and sleepy. All I want to do, is get some shut eye. But how will I answer my question paper for tomorrow if don't read a single word from the book? How will I know what the question is about? Ahhhh ! Banyak soal laa.. Pergi baca buku sana. Huhu ... Good Luck for your test tomorrow 1D! Do your best, chayok2! Alaa .. CTU101 je pun ... Hahaha .. DEKAN DEKAN !!!

Today was no ordinary Friday, the fact that me and the Drama Queens did not attend the "Majlis Permuafakatan Gemilang Emas 2010" for all the form 3 and form 5 student to do our drama practise for our oral assessment this year made all the difference. The original time set for this practice was 9.oo am at Camy's house, but I showed up 3o minutes later. I had some leftover house chores to do before I go. Mimi was the first one to arrive, as always. I guess Camy taught her how to open the gate and unlock the grills since she was the one who open the gate. Camy came by the door a few seconds later. Her face looks like as if she just got out of bed. Hehe.. Poor Camy we must have interupted her nap time. Sorry Camy. It wasn't long before Tyka showed up. I guess time flies when you're watching Avatar the Legend of Aang with Mimi. While waiting for the others to show up, we watched Bolt together; me, Mimi, Tyka and Camy. Then, Nabihah showed up. Huhu.. It was quite a while. We couldn't start unless the whole group was present. We were thinking of making this our final practice before the actually performance next week. But no~! Someone just had to spoil the whole plan. Not only she came 3 hours late than the original time set. The least she could do was text us and inform us the she will be late or may not even come. We were the one who had to call her, asked her where she was and when she was coming. This is not the first time this happened. Previously, she made us wait at the park for her from 8.3oam to 11am. You could imagine how frustrated some of us were when she did it for the second time. When she did show up, she didn't even bother telling us why she had us waiting for three hours. We had to ask her why she had us waiting for three hours. *sigh* Tyka left half an hour after she arrived at Camy's house. She's not the only one who has things to do. Other members of the Drama Queens had thing to do too, other than this drama practice. As soon as Tyka left we started practicing, we had to do something. Thanks to Camy and Mimi, the anger that I felt turned to joy and laughter. We're doing The Necklace for our oral assessment, and there was a scene at the ball where some of the characters had to dance. The awkwardness was there, we had to hold each others waist, spin around a couple of times before switching partners and well, we couldn't help ourselves but laugh. Mimi thought of putting "Sorry Sorry" dance in between and all of a sudden the thought of have "Bop Beep Bop Beep", "Siren", and a couple more of k-pop dance into the scene.

*hanging*

I know.. I wrote this a long time ago and I never finished it. Sadly, I can't recall how I felt on that day to continue writing this and simply finish this post ..

I'm back !!

It's been more than a year since I last wrote something on this page. So much for celebrating my 1 year anniversary. Sheesh ! So much have changed. I'm no longer a high school student. Went through a lot to get through to where I am now. Thought, I'd never write a blog ever again. But I guess I was wrong. A diary may be a substitute, but it could never replace a blog. Feeling a little awkward writing a blog. But no matter. I'll get used to it sooner or later. Wish me luck :)